Exersices

I did them today. I didn't initially want to, but I'm glad I did. I guess endorphins are good for the heart. And loud music. lots and lots of loud angry, bitter music. And alcohol.
Today went better at work. It actually went pretty well until my coworker went home and I was there by myself. No customers, just shitty love songs on the radio. I'm doing better now. I have to clean my house some more before my landlord comes tomorrow. I don't really want to do that, but I guess it will keep me busy. Then I think I'll go off to Blockbuster and rent a movie? Or to Barnes and Nobles and buy some books on how to get over heartbreak. I'm new to this. It sucks. It feels like a part of me has been ripped out. I can't believe I was so blind to this. I kept making excuses, thinking that if only I were a better ... person? girlfriend? ... that things would be okay, and that if I pretended enough, I could pretend to feel the feelings coming back at me. I hated going to Trader Joes today, I was so fearful that I would run into him. I still kind of am. I just don't want to see him. I have a shit ton of his books and dvds too. I guess I'll deal with it later, but I have a feeling I won't want to see him then either. The more I think about it (which is a lot) the angrier I get. My mom said that he used me. I don't feel that way. I feel taken. He could have been honest with me a long time ago, and really saved me a lot of this pain. I really don't think it takes a year and a half to realize that you don't love somebody. shit. I knew a long time ago. Dammit. I want to write this and get it out. but I don't want him to read it. He probably already has. oh well. Maybe I do kind of want him to know how much he hurt me. just to make him a little uncomfortable. hopefully it does, but probably not. His heart is like steel.